The Fine Art of Planning a Wedding

[Note: I wrote this back in 2000 in the months leading up to our wedding. To this day, I'm still amazed we pulled it off.]

Now I'll have to admit that when I first asked Teresa to marry me I really had no idea exactly what putting together a wedding entailed. I figured we'd call a few friends and relatives, line up a preacher, buy rings, beer, and chips, say "I do", and live happily ever after. No sweat.

Boy, was I wrong.

In the past, I've managed the logistics of some pretty complicated events. I've managed rock and roll bands. This required arranging accomodations, renting, hauling, and setting up truck loads of equipment, and getting 6 inebriated musicians on stage in good enough shape to hold a guitar. I've also managed multi-million dollar engineering projects, coordinating the efforts of dozens of engineers, draftsmen, and technicians. I've even helped start up a new company - no small task when 6 partners, countless lawyers and accountants, and the government are all involved.

But, the logistics of all these projects pale in comparision to arranging a wedding!

After several weeks of study, I learned a thing or two about arranging weddings: First, weddings are such complicated beasts that there are actually people who make their living arranging them! Second, bookstores have entire sections dedicated to wedding planning! My mom even gave Teresa a wedding planner. Guys, this is a book about as thick as a New York city telephone directory, designed to aid in arranging a wedding. I had no idea such things even existed!

Well, I'm no dummy. It didn't take long at all for me to figure out that planning a wedding far exceeds my capabilities. I simply can't do it. As a matter of fact, the mere thought of it scares me.

So, I decided to do what any red-blooded American male would do when faced with such a daunting task: I turned the whole thing over to my wife-to-be.

Now, that's not to say that I'm not helping. I'm doing the best I can. But, I've learned that I'm most useful doing relatively simple things: I'm good at carrying stuff. I'm good at staying out of the way at the appropriate time. I'm good at saying "It's your day, and I don't give a damn what people might think." And, I'm very good at nodding my head in agreement.

Teresa, on the other hand, is good at everything else.

The only other thing that I've learned from my study of the fine art of wedding planning is this: No matter how much effort you put into planning your wedding, things are still going to screw up! All the books and advisors state this as gospel fact. But, according to all these experts, you're supposed to be able to look back at laugh about the screw-ups after you're married.

At this point, I'm just going to have to trust the experts are right about this laughing thing. Right now, I'm not laughing. Instead, I'm waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. But, in hopes that all this will someday be funny, I've decided to document all our efforts leading up to the Big Day.

Going to all the trouble of putting together this web page serves several purposes: First, it keeps me out of Teresa's hair. This is important. Second, it gives me something to do with the boundless nervous energy that's overcome me. Finally, it may serve to make onlookers sympathetic to my cause should I be forced to whip someone's ass over any crack about my wedding being less than perfect. Don't make me get blood on my rented tuxedo!

So, my friends, here's what it takes to put together a wedding: